Tuesday, April 6, 2010

You Can't Fake Awesomeness...

There are a few things in life I will not tolerate people experimenting on or to be quite frank f*@king with a good thing. Butter and Bacon rank right at the top of that list. Those are the primary ones at least, if they start making a “lite” whiskey I’m going to go ballistic (just watch, it will happen). It’s interesting don’t you think? All of the slogans, catch phrases, marketing ploys, and deviant mind tricks that the food industry plays on us. Being a foodie truly can be a liberating, yet debilitating experience in life, but that which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger right? Or so they say. In some ways being a foodie can make you feel free, in other ways you see the masses and what they are eating or would rather eat, and the acid in your stomach creeps up your throat and into your mouth causing if nothing else gentle irritation.
Generally speaking I try to be compassionate about other people’s taste in food or what they are using because not everyone has the same tastes. That however hasn’t stopped me from wanting to throw away every container of “I can’t believe it’s not butter”. First of all, I can’t put it any better than what Anthony Bourdain already has; “I sure can!” believe it’s not butter, and to top it off you can even get it in a spray bottle. Now not only does this scream unnatural, but just pure laziness. “I don’t have 30 seconds to melt butter in a pan or god forbid a microwave, let’s just get the spray bottle.” The stuff just reminds me of a horribly disappointing placebo shelved in our stores to be marketed to the ignorant and uninformed only to ensure the future pay days of doctors and nutritionists everywhere. I’m not really concerned that “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is a part of some nutritional conspiracy, I just find it really depressing that the general public would rather digest the plastic substitute of one of the great reasons people love food. Want to know why restaurants food tastes better than your own? THEY USE REAL F@#KING BUTTER! But you can’t fix stupid therefore I digress.
What is worse is when companies like Hormel tamper with things such as bacon; pre-cooked bacon is the end result. 3 words come to mind when I think of pre-cooked bacon. I hate you. It truly hurts my soul to see something like pre-cooked bacon be sold to people. The sad part is the only way pre-cooked bacon resembles true bacon is the shape. The texture is somewhere in between paper and cardboard. And for the grand finale the taste reminds me of the smell of bacon treats that are given to dogs as a sign of appreciation and praise. Now they package it in boxes and sell it to humans. Good boy Modern Society, Good Boy!
Certain foods just ultimately should never be substituted (e.g. Cheese). Seriously why would you want to substitute something so delicious and divine? As I understand it there is a special place in hell for masochists such as you. For example, do you know what fresh mozzarella tastes like? Feels like? Looks like? The texture is somewhere between silk and “I can die happy now”. The taste is nothing short of pure luxury for your taste buds. Sure there are the people that are lactose intolerant, and I truly feel sorry for those people, however for those that truly believe soy, rice, or corn taste just the same as cheese, chicken, and or milk you really need to put the bong down.


  1. Hooray - you're blogging! :) I certainly don't disagree with you that real is better, but I always get caught up in the cycle of 'there's always a better "real" than the "real" you're currently aware of.' You know - like I always used what I thought was real butter, until I had REAL butter from local milk made fresh. I guess what that means is we can always look forward to something better, no matter how good the ingredients are that we are using now.

    Fun to read your blogs. Thanks for the bread the other night!

  2. Very nicely written and well done! Perfection my love!